I’m going to do something unusual and preface this with the disclaimer that I am not really sure how I feel about this. After two days, I’m still unclear, and I guess writing about it will help me clarify my own feelings.
On December 14 at 6:12pm, I saw a tweet from someone in my Twitter feed (@military_mom) that said:
“Please pray like never before, my 2 yr old fell in the pool
6:12 PM Dec 14th from Echofon”
It was certainly shocking, but I attributed her instinct to Tweet this to shock. I did not reply immediately. A few hours later, I saw a confirmation that Shelli’s baby son did not survive his fall in the pool.
I replied to the person who confirmed it, not to Shelli herself:
@MaePartner Oh My God. That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard on Twitter. I honestly was not prepared. My thoughts are with her family
9:59 PM Dec 14th from web
A few minutes later, Shelli wrote something about her son, and I replied directly:
@Military_Mom I am so so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry.
10:09 PM Dec 14th from web in reply to Military_Mom
Shelli then posted three pictures of her son, who had died four hours previously. I thought she was in shock. I replied to one of the pictures:
@Military_Mom Your composure is amazing. You’re in my prayers. Beautiful boy.
10:51 PM Dec 14th from web in reply to Military_Mom
A few minutes later, she said she was going to try and get some sleep. I remember thinking that I hoped she had some tranquilizers.
The next day, I didn’t check up on her. I was very split about it. I thought she must have Tweeted that because she was incredibly heartbroken, possibly lonely, and certainly out of her mind. I’ve been in that position; I know that horrified sensation of not really knowing, in your bones, that there might be a gentle, caring person in the world. I felt that since I had seen her Tweet, I wanted to at least offer some kindness, though I had never Tweeted with her directly before, nor did I have some deep flux of rapport with her. I would offer the same condolences to anyone.
Then I began to wonder if it was perhaps odd that she was not with her family, but instead on Twitter, tweeting about her nascent grieving process.
My feeling is that she is not in her right mind right now. She has no idea what she’s doing, and I give her miles and miles of latitude for that. This isn’t a personal failing at all. It’s just a fact; she has no way to process this. If her instinct is to be ‘alone’ while on the computer where she can receive free, safe condolences on the web, that is probably a pretty comfortable place to be.
Sometimes if neither side is safe, the safest place is the wall. For Shelli, I believe the Web is the wall. She doesn’t know me, or probably most of the people whose hearts ached for her in that moment, and it was a confirmation that yes, people are “out there”, and yes, some care, even if they can’t calm the cracking ache in her own heart. If she has no family with her, then I understand being on the web even more. If her family is there, it is quite possible she doesn’t want to talk to them, or see their grieving faces.
My heart goes out to Shelli. I think it was odd that she Tweeted the drowning of her son – the very worst, absolute worst, thing that could ever happen to any parent. But I also think the very fact of its awfulness excuses her insanity for doing it.
Another post on the same subject points out that some people, including the author of that post, apparently were not entirely sympathetic:
@Military_Mom Twitter Time Line
@madisonmcgraw where us your heart bitch
about 24 hours ago from Echofon in reply to madisonmcgraw
ReplyRetweet@jessiesmom8 – YOU are an ass, leave my family alone!
8:17 AM Dec 15th from Echofon in reply to jessiesmom8@MockTV I hope you never feel like I do asshole
7:30 AM Dec 15th from Echofon in reply to MockTV@jalynsandoval you are an ass, I was outside w/him and it took 2 sec for him to slip away, I hope U never feel this pain u ass
7:29 AM Dec 15th from Echofon in reply to jalynsandovalThank you all, going to try and sleep some now
3:02 AM Dec 15th from EchofonBryson Drago Ross http://twitpic.com/tkxsj
11:44 PM Dec 14th from EchofonOne more because I love him so thank you everyonehttp://twitpic.com/tktiu
11:10 PM Dec 14th from EchofonRemembering my million dollar baby http://twitpic.com/tkt9t
11:08 PM Dec 14th from EchofonPlease pray like never before, my 2 yr old fell in the pool
6:12 PM Dec 14th from Echofon
I would never, ever say anything harsh to a grieving mother. But I see Madison McGraw’s point.
This reminded me of the controversy a couple months ago of the woman who tweeted that she was having a miscarriage and was happy about it because she had been planning an abortion.
Is nothing sacred?
Shelli’s situation is far worse, in my opinion, because it’s objectively tragic. The above referenced blogger says:
Is it a sad, SAD, story, YES.
However, it’s really time we start holding parents accountable for their actions instead of coddling them and saying “it’s okay, it’s okay, it was an accident.”Twittering all day, Twittering that your son has drowned moments after it happens, twittering his pictures, twittering the next day (and getting in fights with people) – to me, that shows the repercussions for social media gone awry – the need for attention – and will do anything to get it. Her twitter feed was all about getting attention from day one (with the giveaways, the RT’s, the conversations, the brand name dropping, asking for donations, asking for sponsors) – and what’s saddest yet, is she thought the drowning death of her son was appropriate Twitter feed.
We need to remember that social media can truly be a tool and you can meet some wonderful people, but we need to pay attention to those that are physically near us. Our real neighbors. Our children waiting for us to color with them. Our husband that wants to watch The Office with him. Our mother that hasn’t heard from us in weeks. Imagine how strong our physical communities and our families would be if we paid as much attention and took the time with them as we do with Twitter and Facebook and Blogging.
Two things. First, I am turned off of all the look-at-me-ism that is so pervasive on Twitter, and because I don’t care about advertising or sponsorships, I decline freebies. I can see why others wouldn’t, and apparently Shelli didn’t. But I would not say that really had anything to do with her Tweet about her son, unless the blogger meant to imply it was done for the shock factor and I’m not willing to impute that motive to the blogger.
Second. Absolutely, our families and communities would be stronger if we spent time with them that we spent online. But some of us don’t have families. I don’t know if Shelli was married, or if she was surrounded by her own parents and loving siblings, in which case, yes, she needed to get off line and talk to her family.
I allow for the possibility that, like me, Shelli had no family. She had no-one else to talk to. Four hours after her son’s death, she was literally insane. Anyone would be. If she was alone, she was desperately reaching out for some flicker of kindness and humanity. I can’t begrudge her that, no matter how inappropriate her tweeting.
I do not believe my comments added anything to her frame of mind, but if they did, I only hope they didn’t hurt.
By posting something outrageous, Shelli took the chance that others would criticize her for it. Yes, it was awful. Yes it was sad. And yes, blogger Madison McGraw was correct to point out the obvious: where the hell was Shelli when her son toddled into the pool, and sunk to the bottom? Was she on Twitter? Is it unkind to ask, or is it necessary? And by posting on Twitter, didn’t she basically demand we ask this?
My heart goes out to Shelli. I feel awful for her, and if I can do anything to console her, I’d be happy to do it. But I never, ever want to see another message like that on the internet, ever again.
very well said… i’ve been conflicted about this too ever since it all happened. my heart breaks for Shelli Ross… especially if it IS because she was too busy on twitter, how awful to have to live with that.
have you ever seen the twitter stream of “mckmama” i used to follow her but had to stop because 1. she twittered while nurses were stopping her baby’s heart. um?? and 2. i was sure something awful was going to happen to one of her kids while she spent the day twittering… i couldn’t take it anymore.
anyway, thanks for writing this…
OMG, no, I’ve never followed mckmama. What a horrible thing! I feel like these poor women are twittering because they don’t know how to respond to these awful things. But I wish they’d realize there is a real world too, and even email would probably be more appropriate.
Thanks for the comment!
Incidentally, I hate to ask, but why did nurses stop her son’s heart?
“My feeling is that she is not in her right mind right now.”
She wasn’t in her right mind even before her son drowned.
Maybe. I was talking with a friend about this today, and I think what really bothers me is that she’s still on Twitter, right now, and her eleven year old son needs her. Her eleven year old is the one who called 911. Her eleven year old son lost his baby brother and he needs his mom. And she’s on Twitter. My sympathy for her loss is eternal. But in my opinion, she needs to spend some time with her other child/children.
They need her. Her Twitter followers may like her a lot, but those children need her like they’ve never needed her before.
Tweeting aside. She left her child unsupervised in a backyard with a pool that apparently had no enclosure. If true, I see this as gross criminal negligence and I feel nothing but disgust for this woman.
If you are correct about the pool enclosure, I too agree. I have heard that her eleven year old son went outside to do something at the pool and did not fasten the gate well enough. If that’s true, I can’t blame an eleven year old, though I am certain he will blame himself, particularly in later years.
The bottom line is nobody had eyes on the baby for a period long enough for him to wander away and drown. Babies need constant, total supervision. I am sure she knew this. As the mother of three children, perhaps she became complacent. Or maybe she was tweeting and not really engaged with the world around her. Or maybe, as she said, she just glanced away for a second and he was gone.
It’s a tragedy but I think it was preventable. That hurts me to admit.
I guess I don’t know enough of the situation to pass judgement.
I like your blog, by the way. I am bookmarking it.
Thank you very much.
Shellie Ross is a sociopath. That’s how she can still be on Twitter after something like this.
Hey Cara, found your blog reading through the various ones about this story. To summarize my thoughts all-too-briefly: I feel no sympathy for Shellie Ross. Plenty for her husband and two other children, but not her. Here’s why…
From what I’ve gathered, the 911 call was placed at 5:23; she tweeted 5 times in the 6 minutes leading up to that phone call. Based on that, I have to believe she tweeted multiple times whilst her son was in the pool. I find that thought disgusting.
This wasn’t her in the restroom–nature calls sometimes. This wasn’t her answering the phone or door–life-changing news can arrive in that fashion. This wasn’t even her cooking dinner–the kids need to eat, after all.
No, this was her “updating” her “friends” about a bunch of mindless, inane crap about the stupid chicken coop. Narcissism, it seems, has cost poor Bryson his life.
Kevin,
That is true. Sometimes I feel stupid for the crap I put on Twitter. Like people care that I finished my Christmas shopping? But here’s the difference between my daily effluvia and Shellie Ross’s: Nobody is relying on me for their day to day existence. I can blow a whole afternoon on Twitter and that is nobody’s business but mine.
And let’s be honest: it is easy to spend a whole day online. It’s hypnotic.
I have heard others say that Shellie was addicted to Twitter or whatever, and maybe she was. If so, she is responsible for Bryson’s death, the same as if she were doing meth and was too doped up to pay attention to her son.
After several days of contemplation, I’m sort of leaning more toward the criticism side, but with a few codicils:
- I allow for the possibility that this was just a horrible accident, a desperate situation of bad timing.
- Whatever the result of my “it is her fault” leanings, she has my eternal sympathy. I know that she did not mean for this to happen and she will live the rest of her life, wondering “what if”.
What a terrible situation.
Thanks again for your comment, Kevin.
I have followed this whole story since it broke on twitter. I have Twitter loaded all the time when I’m home. The fact that Shellie Tweeted while her child was drowning and even prior to the event and afterwards is something that she will have to live with for the rest of her life. What happened in the aftermath of this little one’s death is even sadder. Shellie belonged to a group of mommy bloggers called momdot.com run by Trisha. One of Trisha’s moderators (Karissa) so overcome by Bryson’s (Shellie’s son) death committed suicide. Trisha gladly announced the suicide with detail to which the family took great offense. At the same time she diverted any earnings from Karissa’s blog to hers by technically and illegally logging into the dead woman’s account. Now mommy bloggers have come to both Shellie and Trisha’s defense despite the fact both have blood on their hand. As of this date Shellie is still under investigation by the police and the family of Karissa have issued a cease and desist as well as hired a lawyer presumably to go after Trisha for plastering the details of their loved one’s death over the internet. I will also point out that any moneys raised through the death of Bryson (Shellie’s son) are going towards a family trip to Disney World. Now if both of these cases each involved in the other don’t turn you stomach nothing will! The saga continues to unravel on Twitter.
Oh my God. That’s crazy. I saw the tattoo of Bryson that Shelli’s husband has on his shoulder. And she seems like such a good mom – she still posts pictures of wonderful meals for her family and she even cooks hot meals for her animals! Yet there’s something odd about the fact that she’s still on Twitter.
The other drama is just crazy. I can’t imagine.
Thanks for the update!
Excuse me, “My Journey”, but Karissa DID NOT commit suicide because of Bryson’s death. She had her own demons that led her to that decision and we are all devastated by it. She also was not a moderator for MomDot.
No one hijacked Karissa’s blog, Trisha had permission to post on it from her mother. No “monies” were diverted to anyone…the PR obligations and giveaways were handed over to other bloggers to make sure they were completed as Karissa would have wanted them to be. Karissa took great pride and care with her blog…wrapping up her “loose ends” was an act of love from those who loved her dearly. A final “thank you”, if you will, for all the support and encouragement she had given so selflessly to so many. There are no lawsuits pending against Trisha or anyone else.
As for Shellie, how do you know that the Disney trip wasn’t planned long before Bryson’s death or that it isn’t part of her job? She does work for an online company and part of that job involves using social media. It angers me to see so many passing judgment without having any of the true facts. And the 911 call was not placed at 5:23 pm. Several online news stories got that wrong. It was (and I do not have the link to the factual story readily available…it’s late and I’m tired so don’t lambaste me for it) I believe at 5:33 pm. There is a Florida Today article that has the ONLY correct time line. Unfortunately that link is in my files somewhere and as I said, I am too tired and angry to search for it right now. But rest assured, Shellie is not under investigation for negligence or anything else.
Madison McGraw is simply searching desperately for her 15 minutes of fame on the backs of a grieving mother/family and a beautiful young woman who thought her only way out of her pain was suicide. Can’t everyone just let them be in peace to wrestle with whatever demons they likely already have? Why add to what are already two horrible sets of circumstances and two families’ grief?
Hi Shan,
I like Shelli and think she is a terrific mother based on her posts and her Twitter feed. I’ve never met her, but by all appearances, she was a good mother.
I know nothing about anyone’s suicide, except what the poster said above. It is a horrible thing and I do not pretend to pass judgment on anyone who is that distraught.
I cringe when people are overly critical of Shelli. Everything works beautifully in retrospect, particularly for people who were not there.
Rest assured from what I have been following in the blogosphere and Twitter there is a lawsuit pending regarding the issue between Trisha releasing information she should not have against Karissa’s family’s wishes. There was a side note regarding Karissa’s suicide that did indicate Bryson’s death was the final straw.
Directly from Shellie herself funds raised from Bryson’s death will be used for their trip to Disney World. This has come directly from Shellie which raises the original question of which Madison was slammed for.
At this time and if you check the facts there is still an investigation over Bryson’s death. These so called parents are not out of the woods over that one yet but hey don’t believe me just wait for the new to break when she is charged. Madison simply asked a very valid question as to whether this was real ‘before’ people started sending money to someone that could easily be a scam. Now I am doing a lovely post on this whole issue and unlike some I am neither intimidated or scared off by the mommy bloggers. It is quite apparent Trisha hijacked Karissa’s blog leaving a message that clearly the dead woman could not have left given that she was dead at the time. It is quite apparent that Trisha Haas diverted Karissa’s adverts to hers to earn those measly pennies. It is also quite apparent that at the time of Bryson’s death Shellie was tweeting. So the facts speak for themselves.
I should point out I am not a Madison fan or supporter but I have followed all of this ugliness on Twitter. As a blogger I will write out against the fact a mother chose or should I put that blatantly chose to tweet while her child died? How callouss can you be to miss that fact? The fact that Trisha lashed and her mommy bloggers lashed out in attack against Madison for asking a simple question is another one of those you need to be hit in the head to see why Trisha and her mommy bloggers were wrong on so many levels. The fact that Trisha used another’s suicide for the glory of her own blog is just downright repulsive.!
I’m a member of the blogosphere. Most of us don’t like mommy bloggers just for the cheapness of what they do but some of us tolerate them. When it comes to the point that a mommy blogger can actually sit there and condone what has happened between Bryson and Karissa well then that means an all out war for us bloggers who are for ethical blogging and telling the truth verses the likes of those who condone killing in the interest of self satisfaction.
And just one more point @Cara Ellison a terrific mother does not leave a 2 year old toddler unattended while she tweets. Have you even read her latest blog post. She comes across as she is actually happy the little one is gone. It is quite clear that whether Shellie wants people to be critical of her actions they are going to be and the bottom line is while her and her cronies can put the hard line on mommy bloggers she can’t do the same on other bloggers. We are talking and we are spreading the news and you know what it isn’t going away. Any mother who could seriously neglect watching her child while that child dies in the interests of Twittering deserves to be criticizes.
My Journey…. I would love to knwo where I said I was going to Disney with the funds that paid for the services?
I would also love to know where you get your info from since it seems to be the same lies and untruths that MadCow spews?
Find a new hobby, cyber-stalking is not a good one.
No, I haven’t read any of her blog posts. Can you direct me to the one you cite that sounds like she’s happy he’s gone?
I’m still on the fence about this one. It’s so hard to criticize someone who has lost a little child. It is also very hard to not criticize someone who was tweeting as her child wandered into the pool. This is uncharacteristic of me as I am usually very decisive. This one, I just don’t know.
@Shellie cyberstalking is not exactly my thing by any stretch of the imagination. My information does not come from the source you indicated by rather directly from yourself through both your Twitter and blogging posts. Now you know even though you delete those posts and you did do that there is still a record and in fact some online actually kept a good record of all your posts including time stamps. So don’t blame this on anyone else but yourself as I am going by things you have said yourself. Oh and I should say that is a rather nice tatoo very fitting bought for out of funds aka a friend who did it as a memorial for Bryson.
Shellie you will find those in the general blogosphere outside of the mommy bloggers just a tad more judgmental and you know what they are going to be blogging about this. Heck you had best start doing a bit of googling as your name is going to be coming up a lot for the next little while. And I should mention accusing one of being a cyberstalker does not make them one however being a bad parent, twittering while their child dies does well let’s see to put it plainly does make them a bad parent! In fact some would go so far as to say you should be held criminally responsible for Bryson’s death but we both know the cards are still on the table for that one, don’t we?
@Clara yes do check out her blog and all archived posts including those being archived at other locations she is not aware of. Her child died while being unattended while she tweeted. When her 11 yr old called 911 she tweeted that as well and she tweeted from the hospital after the child was dead. That day alone 84 tweets not exactly something a responsible mother of a toddler would do. When Shellie realized others were on to her neglect she started deleting both tweets and blog posts but they are still out there archived for all the world to see. Do a google and I’m sure you will find the missing entries that were deleted by Shellie to make her look better. As I said the investigation does continue. There is no doubt in my mind at some point she will be charged with the manslaughter of her son. If not she has to live and look in the mirror daily knowing she is the reason he is no longer with us.
wow, guess you have insider info that I dont have, because it was stated the case was closed more than once. You can find the articles listed here in the archives: FloridaToday [dot]com just search the archives
I have never tweeted that I used any funds raised online for Disney, this trip was pre-planned since last September. Sorry to disappoint you on that tid bit.
As far as my DH’s tattoo it was done by a friend of his, so I am not getting why you are dwelling on it. Again it was done after the service and after the bills were paid so move on.
@Dan yes she left her toddler unattended, unsupervised and alone while he died in the family pool all so she could send out tweets. Her online acquaintances were worth more to her than her little 2yr old so it goes beyond gross negligence!
@Kevin yes she tweeted while her son was in the pool that can’t be denied although I see she has deleted those tweets but there is still a record of them out there and you are right with @Don that she is a sociopath. The problem was bad enough with her but because of her she ultimately caused another death that in itself was a tragedy.
@Shellie true to form you are just hanging on every word I write the only thing is you don’t have Trisha to do your dirty work for you, do you? And guess what you can even ask Madison or the others that were questioning you they have no idea that the fact you stood by online tweeting while your child died spread throughout the blogosphere. The difference is and you will quickly find this out is others in the blogosphere including myself have no hidden agenda, nothing to gain nothing at all. It’s not cyberstalking or actually anything remotely linked to you other than you were negligent enough to let your 2 yr old die while you tweeted. It’s kind of a social statement thing as to how things go so wrong when people like forget those living around them simply because they are so involved online that the death of a 2 yr old toddler means less to them than connecting with their twitter friends.
Yes, I do know what is going on with your case. Yes I do know you are using funds raised for Bryson to go to Disney World. I will say the tattoo seriously looks like trailer trash at it’s finest but hey perhaps that is acceptable after you tweet rather than help your dying toddler. What I do find interesting is you deny things you did tweet about but that’s ok. They are still there even though you delete ypur tweets. You have to look at yourself in the mirror and it will all come out in the wash.
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