I have to admit, I kind of love this. An agent has begun to post snippets of the worst queries he gets from writers.
Classic:
Writer: Greetings agent. I have written the most important book on earth.
Agent: Will someone, for the love of God, please kill me.
And this one:
Writer: I’d like you to consider representing my fictional novel.
Agent: Oh, whew. For a second there I thought you were going to ask me to represent your nonfictional novel. For some reason those are performing really poorly in the market today.
I actually think this adds to the body of knowledge about how to write queries so perhaps the general quality will increase over time. Or maybe I’m just an optimist.
On a personal note, one of my verbal ticks is to say “true fact.” I say it a lot, and I cringe when I say it. It started out being silly and now it’s a habit. I said it on the phone to my agent and he deadpanned, “All facts are true.”
So I said, in a snarky way, totally in control of the joke, “I wrote a fiction novel.”
Fiction novel is the absolute worst thing you can to say to anyone who writes, publishes, or represents novels. If you learn nothing else, learn this: all novels are fiction.
So my agent said, “When people send me inquiries that say they’ve written a fiction novel, I hit delete.”
I dream of a world where all queries are beautifully written, for books publishers will clamor for.
But I know it will never, ever happen.
He hits delete?
I am so glad I don’t say that! I always say “young adult” or “urban fantasy” or whatever.
Wow, that’s really helpful!
Please sir/madam:
Would you read my book? It took me years to write. It’s based on the Fiction Novel of a man named Lear.
Most truley yours…
Somewhere in my stacks, I have a book about rejections that I read from time-to-time to amuse and encourage myself. Some are quite clever, some smack of profound arrogance and some are over my head — but, all are amusing.
I found this website that has some others and thought you might find it interesting as well. If I recall correctly, you are a Sylvia Plath fan. Note the rejection regarding her:
On Sylvia Plath
‘There certainly isn’t enough genuine talent for us to take notice.’
http://www.writersservices.com/mag/m_rejection.htm
I had dinner the other night with someone who worked at a large publishing firm for several years. When asked what makes the biggest difference between a book getting published or not, she indicated that the biggest single factor was if an editor would champion it within the publishing house. Interesting that quality of the work was never mentioned, thought it was probably implied.
Publishing is a brutal business. It’s not like a normal business where if you can, say, design websites and apply to a website design company you have a great shot at getting the job. It’s completely subjective. You can spend years on a book, and it might not get published. You have to have an ego to write and believe that thousands of people want to read what you write. But too often, writers are mistaken about that.
I understand why agents send form letters (or, these days, don’t reply at all). It would just be exhausting to engage every wack-job who has written a sub-par book, or even people who have written something good but not quite publishable.
I was very fortunate. When I started to submit to agents years ago, I got a lot of good feedback. Many people told me I could be a successful, commercial writer, so I kept going. I got some form letters, but also a lot of encouragement. I never got any horror stories though I’ve heard of many. Sometimes agents will just scrawl, “NO!” on your query. Sometimes they can be rude. But I’ve been fortunate in that regard. I’ve been able to get an agent every time I’ve wanted one, and I’ve never had any truly horrible horror stories.
There are some websites dedicated to rejection letters from agents, so it’s nice to see, with this website, the other side of the story.
Oh, and anyone who said that about Sylvia Plath is cray-cray.
But that’s what I mean by publishing being brutal. There is no serious person today who would deny Plath was an amazing writer. But some editor just didn’t see it on that day.
It sometimes seems that publishing is little more than a roulette wheel.
According to legend, there was once the Decca Records executive who said, in 1962, “Four groups are out. Go back to Liverpool.”
Exactly. People have different tastes and ideas about what success looks like.
I sent my smutty novella to an online publisher who publishes a lot of paranormal and erotica stuff. She wrote back that my story had been done to death and there was far too much sex.
It was the only time I actually laughed at a rejection. This is someone who publishes stories about women having sex with werewolves and aliens with six penises.
It’s important to listen to criticism, but sometimes you will know, in your bones, that it is so far off base that you should just ignore it.