In a shocking development, the Occupy Wall Street protesters were observed randomly attacking walkers-by and ripping them apart! Eye witnesses report that the protesters appear to be eating their victims, with an apparent preference for the unfortunate victims’ brains. Police and emergency crews report similar incidents at the sites of the “Occupy” protests throughout the nation.
When asked about this development, Geraldo Rivera, who has been covering the Occupy movement for Fox News, commented, “This explains a lot. The protesters have always been inarticulate, unable to explain themselves or even to mutter coherent sentences. They stink, and they congregate in hordes. I originally thought they were just on drugs, but I saw that they became more mindless and violent over time. Who could have guessed that they were actually turning into zombies!”
Sarah Palin, the popular ex-Governor of Alaska, told the press, “These people are a plague on our nation. They know nothing, and they have long been accomplishing nothing. They have always been intellectual zombies — now they are just becoming on the surface what they have always been inside.”
Charles Krauthammer, drawing on his background in psychology, put the developments into perspective. “Why is anyone surprised by this? These protesters resent the fact that there are people in the world who used their own brains to make themselves rich and successful. Because these rich people are unwilling simply to hand over their earnings to the protesters, the protesters are now turning into creatures who are willing to eat the brains of other people in their fruitless quest to find a shortcut to wealth that does not require them to perform actual productive work.”
Nancy Pelosi expressed a different view. “We should not be quick to judge these protesters. These people are just upset and expressing their discontentment with the disparity of incomes in this country. People like this are the backbone of the Democratic Party!”
Obama, still making speeches as he travels across the country in what he insists is not a campaign tour, commented, “This simply shows that we need much more stimulus money injected into the economy. If we simply tax the rich people enough, this problem will go away. While I personally don’t eat other people’s brains, we must protect the rights of people who choose to do so.”
Newt Gingrich offered a historical perspective, “The Liberals have already tried the vampire route — they have been sucking the lifeblood out of our economy for the past three years. I mean, just take a close look at Harry Reid — that man does not even try to camouflage the fact that he is a blood sucker. It was bound to happen that eventually the Liberals would devolve into the walking dead. While an individual Liberal may be pathetic and disgusting, it is only when they congregate in hordes that they become dangerous.”