Joe Hirko's Big Escape

I know how Joe Hirko can escape his plea deal. He simply needs to claim that there was a secret verbal side deal with the government assuring him that all charges would be dismissed if the SCOTUS remanded his petition.

The government has already established that actual written agreements are trumped by secret verbal side deals. So they would have to let him go!

I must pass this on to Hirko’s attorneys ASAP.

Prince Alwaleed's Tips For Staying Rich and Fit

See Dealbreaker. I’m sort of speechless, except to say ew, ew, ew, gross! and yet so spleen-bustingly funny.

Hirko Remanded To Fifth Circuit

This is just cool. The SCOTUS issued no previous order on Hirko’s appeal. The assumption was that they held it, but they never said so. This means they now looked at his case in light of the Yeager decision and have remanded it to the Fifth Circuit.

Unfortunately, his plea deal is ironclad, so he cannot get out of it. But this may help him at sentencing.

More information as it becomes available.

My Shadow Straddles A Beam At Night

shadows

I Know The Feeling

ily

Bad Ad

I am in a writing phase; I don’t want to go out so I’ve been sending A out to get food and supplies while I write. One thing that I need is a constant supply of Coke and the second thing I need is background noise. The History Channel happens to be on now, and an ad just came on that completely ripped me from my writing trance.

“We Americans believe everyone should play by the rules,” a voice said. I glanced up to see some “Americans” who are “playing by the rules” – basically decontextualized images of blue-collar workers and a middle-aged woman gardening. “But what if your broker doesn’t?” asked the disembodied narrator.

Oh no.

“That’s when you turn to the financial industry regulatory authority. Empowered by the federal government, we protect investors from fraud and bad practices. Last year, we barred hundreds of brokers from the industry and returned two billion dollars to investors. To learn more, visit finraprotects.com.”

Ewwww.

I don’t like this at all. I get creeped out when regulatory agencies start advertising. Furthermore, I do not believe the financial industry is crawling with unscrupulous frauds.

I think these kinds of gimmicky ads do more harm than good; they make people scared. Our financial stature is tenuous now. It relies on people to spend, to trust. With these ads, distrust is amplified, and the problems grow.

Also, I think these ads have the unintended consequence of making me distrust the agency advertising. If the Texas Bar Association published ads stating that you can trust the lawyers, that lawyers are ethical but that if not, we’ll punish them, I would wonder just what the heck is going on in the legal system.

Gives me a chill. I need to stop watching television.

The Filthiest Clean

I’m not sure I should be telling you this, what with world strife, hunger, and a potential nuclear war on the horizon, but there’s a company that wants to ejaculate on your face.

Seriously.

The hilariously named CMen company boasts of “semen face cream packs” (they also claim to be “discreetly packaged” which cracks me up on at least two levels.)

The clean and washed semen comes

Stop.

How do you “wash” semen? I’m a girl, I don’t know the mysterious ways of the semen. I only have access the equipment on a very limited basis, so maybe you have to wash it like hair or teeth, I don’t know, I’m just asking questions. Do you have to dry it too?

in a small plastic packet which has been frozen and tested for all STI’s and HIV. The test document will be included. You will also receive a set of surgical gloves if you would like to use them.

Oh.

Okay, I’m trying to picture this… and it’s not …. it’s actually nauseating. Why would anyone do this?? I assume there is some belief that the jizz is good for the skin but if that is so – and it was proven – wouldn’t women be demanding semen from their own men before they ask the CMen company for some help?

The product is for EXTERNAL USE ONLY.

“Mom, where did I come from?”
“Well, honey, I wanted beautiful, luminous skin, so I bought a semen face pack and didn’t read the directions.”

The company also sells breast milk packs which actually infuriates me. The jizz pack is kind of funny in a gross way, but breast milk is to feed infants, and there is a huge breast milk shortage in the world, particularly in Africa where AIDS is still rampant. Using breast milk for this crazy non-proven (not even really though of) gimmick is so wasteful, such an insult. It’s a limited resource. Unlike jizz.

Anyway, all this craziness is apparently catching on because another company is also selling the miracle jizz. Nothing better than competitive jizzing, I suppose.

(Anonymous points out that if companies can decrease the taboo of, well, wearing jizz on your face, and increase a demand for it for beauty products, which with effective marketing should not be terribly difficult given the intelligence of most of the population, the next step will be to promote it in energy drinks. And women will never hear the end of it.

“You drink Jizz Cola but you won’t even…”

“Yeah, well Jizz Cola also has electrolytes.”)

Justice Roberts vs. The King of Pop

I enjoyed this article about Chief Justice John Roberts, then a young aide to President Reagan, being all gruff and curmudgeonly about an official letter to Michael Jackson. Two of Roberts’ letters were published. This is my favorite:

I hate to sound like one of Mr. Jackson’s records, constantly repeating the same refrain, but I recommend that we not approve this letter. Sometimes people need to be reminded of the obvious: whatever its status as a cultural phenomenon, the Jackson concert tour is a massive commercial undertaking. The tour will do quite well financially by coming to Washington, and there is no need for the President to applaud such enlightened self-interest. Frankly, I find the obsequious attitude of some members of the White House staff toward Mr. Jackson’s attendants, and the fawning posture they would have the President of the United States adopt, more than a little embarrassing.

It is also important to consider the precedent that would be set by such a letter. In today’s Post there were already reports that some youngsters were turning away from Mr. Jackson in favor of a newcomer who goes by the name “Prince,” and is apparently planning a Washington concert. Will he receive a Presidential letter? How will we decide which performers do and which do not?

I love that Prince is in quotes: “Prince”. I also happen to agree with him. The comments about this are typical liberal blather, excoriating Roberts for not being sufficiently awed by and supplicating to pop culture. But this is the thing that amused me most, and it’s part of the article, not a reader comment:

In addition, it is worth noting that Mr. Roberts and Mr. Jackson had some things in common. Mr. Roberts was born in 1955 and grew up in Long Beach, Indiana. Mr. Jackson was born in 1958 less than an hour’s drive away, in Gary.

Isn’t this the same as saying Roberts and Jackson have nothing in common? The birth years are not alike, nor the birth place. It would seem to me that anyone in Gary, Indiana can claim the same thing. Or I could claim that because I live in the same city where Jeff Skilling lived, we have “something in common.” Actually I could say that about every Enron employee, President George Herbert Walker Bush, Buzz Aldrin and about six million other folks but I don’t find it a particularly charming way to build bridges between people. After all, the blogger and I have something in common: we’ve both written about John Roberts and Michael Jackson on our blogs. Wonder of wonders.

Tice A "Sensitive Soul", Says Ellison

After today’s arrest of Cara Ellison Broadband CEO John Tice, Cara Ellison said “[Tice] is a sensitive soul. He is under tremendous pressure right now. We all are. But John Tice is an effective and courageous leader of our Broadband group. It is worth noting that Broadband group earned our highest increase in revenues from last quarter.”

Perry Kanaly, Director of Communications for the company, says that Mr. Tice was in Boston for a meeting with a potential partner. He does not know who Mr. Tice’s companion was at the bar where Mr. Tice caused a disturbance.

Mr. Tice paid a $500 bail in cash and was released on his own recognizance. Sources say that he is en route to Houston.

Cara Ellison Broadband CEO Arrested

John Tice, CEO of Cara Ellison Broadband, was arrested this afternoon in Boston, Massachusetts after acting erratically in a bar. Witnesses say Mr. Tice entered the bar with an unknown female and began to accuse patrons of being FBI agents. Mr. Tice approached another female and screamed at her that she was “in on it”. The woman tried to push him away and her companion eventually struck Mr. Tice in the face. A brawl ensued, which spread onto the street.

Mr. Tice was taken by ambulance to Massachusetts General Hospital. He was treated for minor injuries then arrested.

It is not known why he was in Boston. Calls to Cara Ellison Corporation for comment were not returned.

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